Archive for January, 2012

…Like A Fart In The Wind

As quickly as it came, it is gone.

As I got ready for bed Saturday night (after posting here that morning), I started bleeding. Sunday was the same…light, no cramping, just kind of there. This morning, I started light cramping and passing clots (sorry for the TMI, but anyone who has had a miscarriage understands this stuff…and if you haven’t but end up having one, God forbid, you know what happens and what to expect). Called the doctor this morning and had a nurse call me back. I basically told her I was miscarrying and asked what she wanted me to do. She gave me the option to stay home or come in and confirm it. I’m pregnant, bleeding, passing clots, cramping and the baby is measuring 2 weeks behind…I’m having a frickin miscarriage. I don’t need confirmation, I think the proof is in the last 3 days.

So there it is. 25 years old and I have one dead child, one lost pregnancy and one perfectly healthy, sweet little blessing. I’m not even sad. I just have this acceptance about it all. After losing Tyler, we know that pregnancy doesn’t mean baby so that’s not what we expect. We expect the unexpected. I could have a chemical pregnancy (because I like to test early, can’t help it!), early miscarriage (ding, ding, ding), second trimester miscarriage, stillbirth (I believe a loss after 20 weeks is classified this way), fatal or poor prenatal diagnosis or a condition unknown until the baby is born and examined. Oh, and the ultimate scenario…a healthy, take-home baby. Out of three pregnancies, we’ve only had one of those. Can you imagine having something like 5 kids with no losses? What a miracle and a true blessing. I hope those people know just how lucky they are. That is truly a dream-come-true for some (I don’t want 5!). It’s easy to forget that when you see women with big, pregnant bellies everywhere you turn. Surprisingly, I’m not sad or angry or bitter. I don’t want to blame anyone or anything and I certainly don’t blame myself this time. In the last few days since this all started, I’ve had one, tiny moment of blaming myself. Was it the half a chicken cesar wrap that I ate before remembering that I was pregnant? Or was it the cold cut trio from Subway that I had…again, very early when I forgot I was pregnant? Was it the local anesthesia or Tylenol I took when I had a minor, out-patient toe surgery (even though it is “safe while pregnant”)? Those things went through my head for about 2 seconds. But what it boils down to is that I didn’t do anything wrong. One cold lunch meat sandwich or half a cesar wrap didn’t cause this miscarriage. Shit happens sometimes and right now is one of those times.

I’m ok with this and so is the hubs. We are disappointed, but we never expected to bring a baby home. It would have been nice and we definitely dreamed about it. During our anniversary dinner, we talked nursery colors and themes, boy and girl names (we have had another girl names picked out since Miss K was about a month old…haha!), the hope that we could go back to the perinatologist that took care of me during Tyler and K’s pregnancies, how excited I was to wear dresses with a big baby bump this summer… When we got Tyler’s diagnosis, I felt so stupid and embarrassed for having had those hopes and dreams and didn’t let myself have them with K. This time, I’m glad. Having hopes and dreams for an unborn child that is loved and very much wanted, is my little bit of real normal. I haven’t gotten much real normal since Tyler’s diagnosis. I have a lot of new normal, which is overshadowed by grief, but these hopes and dreams were only laced with grief. As we said “when” while planning baby things, we really meant “if” but didn’t feel the need to say it. I’m glad we did that. Being pregnant and having a baby is exciting and I didn’t feel the need to punish myself by ignoring that.

Now, all of these feelings may change and I may be a sobbing mess in a week or two. But right now, I feel pretty damn good about life, given the circumstances. And with the more people I tell, the more I notice that they really expect a different reaction from me and I guess I expected a different one from myself, too. I’m NOT sad and I won’t feel guilty if I don’t ever end up feeling that way. I don’t like to compare loss. Many women have told me that a miscarriage is not near as painful or devastating as losing at full term (or close to). I think that losses are all different and they don’t fit into a typical mold. I know that some people deal with their full term loss differently than I do and that’s ok. I know a lot of people who are nearly as traumatized by their miscarriage as I was by losing Tyler…that’s ok, too. For me, this feels like a stubbed toe or a speed bump. Not because I’m comparing this loss with Tyler, but because losing Tyler has given me a different perspective. I know a different kind of loss and this one is just different. I don’t feel like I lost a baby or a child, I feel like I lost a pregnancy. I lost the hope of a baby. I never saw a heartbeat, I never felt those tiny, little, bubbly first kicks, I never felt those relentless hiccups…I just lost the idea that I might have that soon. I hope that those of you who were more effected by your miscarriages don’t judge me for my reaction just as I don’t judge you for yours. For anyone reading, if you one day experience one, know that there is a whole community out there who have had a million different reactions and there is bound to be someone you can relate to and share your hurt, disappointment, anger or whatever feelings you may encounter. I’m not downplaying a miscarriage because it sucks, damnit, but this is just my experience thus far.

P.S. You know you giggled when you read my title.

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Discontent

I just wrote this planned, and thought-out post only to have it deleted because my internet decided to shit out on me as I was trying to post.  Awesome.  Maybe I’ll come back later and edit to make this read better, but I’ll just put down the gist right now because I’m pissed.

I had my first prenatal appointment yesterday but wasn’t scheduled to see the doctor or get an ultrasound.  At 8 weeks, I knew the heartbeat I visible via ultrasound and I wanted one for peace of mind.  At least I’d know one way or the other what was going on.  They agreed and even though the tech thinks I have my dates wrong, I think I have my answer.  I should have been 8w2d and the fetus measured 6w1d with no heartbeat.  No heartbeat at 6 weeks is not a big deal, but it should have measured 8 weeks which, to me, means that the baby stopped growing (and died) at 6w1d gestation.  Again, tech seems to think I just have my dates off but I’m not buying it.  If I tested positive only 10 days past ovulation (which is so incredibly early to get a positive home pregnancy test), I would still be over 7 weeks and there is no way to mistake a 7 week fetus for a 6 week one.  They grow too fast this early.  So they had me schedule a follow-up for next week, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’m pissed, but I’m fine.  I never felt completely content with this pregnancy, but chalked it up to being neurotic from experiencing a loss previously.  No symptoms, this being my third…I feel like I just knew.  And if I hear one more person say that “every pregnancy is different”, someone’s getting a throat punch.  And no, it’s not over until it’s over but I know my body and, for me, it’s over.

Will update after next week’s appointment but if I don’t answer my phone, it’s not because I don’t want to talk to you, it’s because I don’t want to talk about it.  For me, there is nothing to talk about.  How am I feeling about this?  I’m fine.  How is the hubs feeling?  Hopeful and unconvinced [by me].  I just have nothing to say about it and thought that writing this would answer any questions so that I don’t have to explain this a hundred times.

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Unplugged

Do you ever just feel like you need to take a break? 

Like all the “extras” in life have taken a front seat and it’s too much? 

Facebook is an extra, but I can’t get away from it.  I check it a hundred times a day and feel like I need to respond immediately.  If I don’t, I actually have guilt about it.  It’s ridiculous, really.  And I have some online support groups that sometimes become the same way.  It is also hard on my grieving process for both because I have so many baby loss moms (BLM’s) on both.  I love to keep in contact with these women because they have been so supportive to me or because they need the support and I feel that I need to be there for them.  It is a responsibility that I am happy to do, but sometimes, it is too much for my heart.  Mostly, I can detach a little to protect my heart, but sometimes, the door is already ajar and it doesn’t take much to blow it wide open.  Sometimes, I can’t do that to myself.  As much as I want to be there, I can’t spend the rest of my life torturing myself or I won’t be a help to ANYONE.  So I feel like I need to unplug from FB and BBC for awhile.  The only part about FB is the pictures.  I know my family and friends will miss the pictures of Miss K because we don’t see them much, but I feel like it takes up too much head space and the time dedication is ridiculous.  I won’t close Tyler’s site and I will continue to blog there and here.

Miss Sassy Pants has given me a run for my money the last week.  I am just exhausted and she refuses to sleep at night.  She is a great napper which confuses the heck out of me why she won’t sleep at night.  Yesterday, we shuffled around her schedule and she slept VERY well last night so I think we will stick with that for awhile.  And I slept in her room so that if she did wake, I was right there and didn’t have to run back and forth from my bedroom.  Didn’t need to worry about that last night, but I’m not holding my breath for tonight.  I didn’t realize that sleep deprivation is so hard on your body and mind.  I know this isn’t something to share publicly but I know there are a lot of moms out there feel the same way…when I am that tired, I don’t like her.  I love her and I still care for her and protect her, I mean, I don’t hate her!  I just dislike her in that moment and I hate that feeling.  I cried more the night before last and yesterday than I have since losing Tyler.  That pure exhaustion messes with your head.  Her cries were like nails on a chalkboard and I couldn’t wait until nap time to just be away from her.  I know that being a stay-at-home mom really drains any person (if it doesn’t, you’re lying) because you’re “job” is never over, but add exhaustion and it is excruciating.  Luckily, I was able to recharge a little during her second nap and we had fun and played and laughed all afternoon yesterday.  I love her more than anything and it kills me when I’m not 100% for her.  I pushed through the “tired” during her first 3 months because I was on cloud 9 just having a healthy baby!  Now, I have to function and be productive.  All day, I look forward to reading to her before bedtime and snuggling while she takes her last bottle, kissing her on her forehead as I lay her down and telling her how much I love her and that I hope she sleeps well and has sweet dreams.  And when I get her up after a nap or in the morning, I sneak up to the crib and say slowly with a smile, “Good morning, sugarpluuuuuum!”  Her smile makes my heart melt and my mind forget how much of a little turd she can be.  It is my daily reminder to be happy that she is alive and well and to appreciate how short and precious life really is.  Ok, enough of that rainbows and puppies crap.  PUKE 🙂

This is another reason to unplug.  I feel like I waste precious time away from her because I have these “obligations” to other people.  Nobody is more important that Miss K.  NOBODY.

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Short-Lived

And all hell broke loose last night.

 

I swear, whenever she has a good night, it is followed by an excruciating one.

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HALLELUJAH!

Since Miss K has been so sick for the last couple of weeks, it has been a struggle to get anything done around here.  I used to sweep the wood floors and vacuum the carpets everyday.  Keeping up on the dishes was not a problem (oh, the appreciation I have for my dishwasher now after not having one for 5 years), laundry didn’t pile up (usually), toys were put away during nap time…none of that has been happening.    Like I posted earlier, she isn’t a great sleeper.  She has gone back to taking good afternoon naps, but night sleep is still not great.  Especially during this whole sickness.

I was running on fumes yesterday.  EXHAUSTED.  Well, guess who decided to sleep well last night 🙂  Thank you, sweet baby Jesus!  She only woke up once around 1am, then slept until 8am.  Normally, I would have tried to let her get herself back to sleep (something I struggle with), but I put her back on her pillow to get her elevated.  I literally walked in her room asleep.  I had to really think about it this morning because I wasn’t sure if I actually got up or not!  I feel so much better today!  Wish I could have slept past 5:30, but I appreciate her sleep, nonetheless.  We went for a walk this morning and I’m having her babysitter come today so that I can finish catching up on cleaning and organizing.

Amazing what a decent night of sleep can do.

 

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The Switch and New Name

After messing with Blogger for about a month and half, I realized that it just doesn’t fit my blog needs.  There is way too much I wanted to blog about and I needed separate places for each one.

I change the name a bit, also.  I had wanted to name my blog “Rainbows and Puppies” even when it was on Blogger, but it was already taken and I didn’t think to check if adding my name was available.  So this one is Brittany’s Rainbows and Puppies (brittanysrainbowsandpuppies).  A few of you may know where rainbows and puppies comes from, but for those that don’t, it’s my sarcastic way of saying “life is perfect”…it’s “all rainbows and puppies”.  You know those people who gush and gush about how their boyfriend/fiance/husband/girlfriend/wife is the most wonderful being on the face of the Earth or how their relationship is just perfect or how their children are so brilliant?  Well their lives are just rainbows and puppies, aren’t they?  Let me tell you, I love my husband.  He is a good father, he works hard and provides for his family, he is my perfect partner.  My children are the best thing that ever happened to me and I love them more than anything in the world.  But my husband and I have had arguments.  Big ones.  And having my children has shown me heartbreak like I never imagined was possible.  That’s real, that’s the truth, and I think that more people can relate to that than rainbows and puppies.  Wouldn’t you agree?

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Happy Freaking New Year

Miss K started getting a runny nose a few days after we got home from our Christmas festivities with family.  Then she got a raspy, mucous-y cough, but wasn’t acting “sick” so I let it go a few days.  By Friday night, she was in our bed and nobody was sleeping.  She couldn’t stop coughing and was extra fussy.  Then we realized she hadn’t had a bowel movement in a few days.  Probably didn’t help the fussiness.  Saturday morning, I took her to the walk-in clinic at our dr’s office and she was diagnosed with croup (after listening to her cough) and given a Rx steroid to reduce the inflammation in her upper airway so she didn’t cough like she was and could get some sleep.  We were told that if it didn’t get better in 3 days, to come back in.  That night, she was fussier than I think I’ve ever seen her and by 4am, we were on our way to the ER.  4am on New Year’s day.  Lucky us.  They did an xray of her little tummy and confirmed that she was very constipated and probably what was causing her fussiness, but the croup was never questioned even after hearing her cough.  We were sent home with glycerin suppositories.  2 suppositories later and we got hardly anything plus she had been on the steroid for 3 days and wasn’t sounding any better.  Back to the ER at 9:30am on Monday.  An enema, breathing treatment, xrays, a blood draw and 5 hours later, we found out that she was [SLIGHTLY] dehydrated and had [a touch of] pneumonia and recommended an overnight hospital stay.  After drying my eyes and composing myself from the enema, xrays and blood draw, I lost it again when the dr. told us that.  He was the THIRD dr. to see her and finally diagnosed her with pneumonia after she’d been on steroids for croup for 3 freaking days.  Now my baby was going to have to stay OVERNIGHT in the hospital?!

Long story-short, we didn’t end up staying.  Her pediatrician came in, evaluated Miss K and gave us the green light to go home with some Rx antibiotics for the pneumonia and to get some Miralax for Miss Poopy Pants.  Life has been getting back to normal since then and I finally have my happy, smiling baby back but what a way to break in 2012.

Now the hubs is feeling yucky with a low-grade fever the last few days.  He is staying far from me 🙂  But Miss K and I did get a beautiful little surprise on Tuesday…

Mommy and baby roses!  What a sweet guy her daddy is!

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