Unplugged

Do you ever just feel like you need to take a break? 

Like all the “extras” in life have taken a front seat and it’s too much? 

Facebook is an extra, but I can’t get away from it.  I check it a hundred times a day and feel like I need to respond immediately.  If I don’t, I actually have guilt about it.  It’s ridiculous, really.  And I have some online support groups that sometimes become the same way.  It is also hard on my grieving process for both because I have so many baby loss moms (BLM’s) on both.  I love to keep in contact with these women because they have been so supportive to me or because they need the support and I feel that I need to be there for them.  It is a responsibility that I am happy to do, but sometimes, it is too much for my heart.  Mostly, I can detach a little to protect my heart, but sometimes, the door is already ajar and it doesn’t take much to blow it wide open.  Sometimes, I can’t do that to myself.  As much as I want to be there, I can’t spend the rest of my life torturing myself or I won’t be a help to ANYONE.  So I feel like I need to unplug from FB and BBC for awhile.  The only part about FB is the pictures.  I know my family and friends will miss the pictures of Miss K because we don’t see them much, but I feel like it takes up too much head space and the time dedication is ridiculous.  I won’t close Tyler’s site and I will continue to blog there and here.

Miss Sassy Pants has given me a run for my money the last week.  I am just exhausted and she refuses to sleep at night.  She is a great napper which confuses the heck out of me why she won’t sleep at night.  Yesterday, we shuffled around her schedule and she slept VERY well last night so I think we will stick with that for awhile.  And I slept in her room so that if she did wake, I was right there and didn’t have to run back and forth from my bedroom.  Didn’t need to worry about that last night, but I’m not holding my breath for tonight.  I didn’t realize that sleep deprivation is so hard on your body and mind.  I know this isn’t something to share publicly but I know there are a lot of moms out there feel the same way…when I am that tired, I don’t like her.  I love her and I still care for her and protect her, I mean, I don’t hate her!  I just dislike her in that moment and I hate that feeling.  I cried more the night before last and yesterday than I have since losing Tyler.  That pure exhaustion messes with your head.  Her cries were like nails on a chalkboard and I couldn’t wait until nap time to just be away from her.  I know that being a stay-at-home mom really drains any person (if it doesn’t, you’re lying) because you’re “job” is never over, but add exhaustion and it is excruciating.  Luckily, I was able to recharge a little during her second nap and we had fun and played and laughed all afternoon yesterday.  I love her more than anything and it kills me when I’m not 100% for her.  I pushed through the “tired” during her first 3 months because I was on cloud 9 just having a healthy baby!  Now, I have to function and be productive.  All day, I look forward to reading to her before bedtime and snuggling while she takes her last bottle, kissing her on her forehead as I lay her down and telling her how much I love her and that I hope she sleeps well and has sweet dreams.  And when I get her up after a nap or in the morning, I sneak up to the crib and say slowly with a smile, “Good morning, sugarpluuuuuum!”  Her smile makes my heart melt and my mind forget how much of a little turd she can be.  It is my daily reminder to be happy that she is alive and well and to appreciate how short and precious life really is.  Ok, enough of that rainbows and puppies crap.  PUKE 🙂

This is another reason to unplug.  I feel like I waste precious time away from her because I have these “obligations” to other people.  Nobody is more important that Miss K.  NOBODY.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: