Discontent

I just wrote this planned, and thought-out post only to have it deleted because my internet decided to shit out on me as I was trying to post.  Awesome.  Maybe I’ll come back later and edit to make this read better, but I’ll just put down the gist right now because I’m pissed.

I had my first prenatal appointment yesterday but wasn’t scheduled to see the doctor or get an ultrasound.  At 8 weeks, I knew the heartbeat I visible via ultrasound and I wanted one for peace of mind.  At least I’d know one way or the other what was going on.  They agreed and even though the tech thinks I have my dates wrong, I think I have my answer.  I should have been 8w2d and the fetus measured 6w1d with no heartbeat.  No heartbeat at 6 weeks is not a big deal, but it should have measured 8 weeks which, to me, means that the baby stopped growing (and died) at 6w1d gestation.  Again, tech seems to think I just have my dates off but I’m not buying it.  If I tested positive only 10 days past ovulation (which is so incredibly early to get a positive home pregnancy test), I would still be over 7 weeks and there is no way to mistake a 7 week fetus for a 6 week one.  They grow too fast this early.  So they had me schedule a follow-up for next week, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’m pissed, but I’m fine.  I never felt completely content with this pregnancy, but chalked it up to being neurotic from experiencing a loss previously.  No symptoms, this being my third…I feel like I just knew.  And if I hear one more person say that “every pregnancy is different”, someone’s getting a throat punch.  And no, it’s not over until it’s over but I know my body and, for me, it’s over.

Will update after next week’s appointment but if I don’t answer my phone, it’s not because I don’t want to talk to you, it’s because I don’t want to talk about it.  For me, there is nothing to talk about.  How am I feeling about this?  I’m fine.  How is the hubs feeling?  Hopeful and unconvinced [by me].  I just have nothing to say about it and thought that writing this would answer any questions so that I don’t have to explain this a hundred times.

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1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    Jeanette said,

    All I’ll say is, I’m thinking of you! ((hugs))


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