Archive for February, 2012

Excitement

Planning a first birthday has been so much fun. I’m stressing myself out but loving it at the same time!!! There are lots of DIY projects that need to be done so I’ll be posting either links or my own tutorials on how to do them. The theme is Spring Bee and I fall more in love with it every day. Since I’m naturally cheap thrifty, it has been low on guilt so far. And I would like to thank my friends who shared their first birthday budgets with me. I didn’t realize that this stuff was so expensive but glad my brain is budget-friendly.

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What The Doctor Ordered

Since starting the “little pill”, as I call it, life has been less chaotic. I finally have a handle on this anxiety and finally getting some sleep. It’s like my mind is out of control sometimes. I start to worry, then get overwhelmed, then distracted…then nothing gets done. This little pill has helped me get more productive, more attentive, more patient and best of all, a better mommy and wife. Me and the hubs feel like best friends again…not just business partners.

Now, to work on the stuff a pill can’t fix… I’ve always had a hard time leaving Miss K. It’s no wonder. After losing a child, it becomes all-too-real that it could happen to me. The only person whose care I can leave her in and not worry at all is her daddy. She has been fussy lately (has to be teeth) and I had had it up to my eyeballs last night. I just couldn’t take anymore whining and fussing. Plus, I wasn’t able to get out of the house at all the last two days because of weather and I needed to run a few important errands. My best friend took me to dinner last night and offered to stay home with Little Miss while I ran around today. I wanted to browse the party store in town (for birthday decorations!) but hate doing that with my adorable little tag-a-along. So today, that is exactly what I did. It was wonderful!!! Just what I needed! Then, I got my nails done (don’t remember the last time I did that) and browsed another store for party stuff. I was gone just 3 hours but I feel so refreshed, it’s just what I needed. I may need to do this more often! And daddy loves the one-on-one time with Baby Bear, too. Such a great day!

And a little pic for your viewing pleasure. This truck was parked next to me at the party store and the tailgate says, “Size Matters”. Keep it classy!

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The Other Side

My previous posts were

DURING

and now that I’m well established in the

AFTER,

I thought it appropriate to update.

The process of the miscarriage was nothing unusual.  Again, TMI to follow:  I started to bleed, I bled more, I started to cramp, passed clots, intense pain, passed a BIG clot, blood turned more “normal” like a regular menstrual cycle, then stopped.  As always, I blog with brutal honesty for the benefit of others.  If you’ve never experienced a miscarriage before, but one day do, you’ll know what to expect.  It isn’t scary if you know what to expect.  I had the luxury of the ultrasound the day before I started to miscarry.  Most people don’t get that.  I am very lucky and I don’t take that ultrasound for granted.  Even my doctor was surprised the way I was handling it.  I told her that I have plenty of friends that suffered traumatic miscarriages, without warning, and not only did my intuition give me some idea what was to come….but the ultrasound confirmed it.  Most of my friends kind of freaked out when they started to bleed because blood during pregnancy isn’t normal, right?  Having walked through it with them, I also realize that if you DO bleed, there isn’t a damn thing a doctor is going to do about it.  Acceptance is inevitable because there is no other choice.  Yes, this is easier said than done.  In most cases.

Now that it’s been a couple of weeks, I can say that my blase attitude has changed a bit.  My hormones are CUH-RAY-ZEE!  I don’t feel sad in my soul, but I cry at the drop of a hat.  Tears well up at the weirdest times.  It’s kind of annoying, to tell the truth.  The miscarriage has brought up the feelings of failure I had while carrying, and after delivering Tyler.  Miscarriage is much more common that Potter’s Syndrome, yet, it still pisses me off that so many people go through multiple pregnancies without a single issue and here I am, 1 for 3.  I have a loss rate of 66.6%.  I suck!  No, this isn’t a cry for attention and I’m not crying as I type this.  I’m fine, really, just saying that my success rate when it comes to having children, isn’t that great.  It sucks that it didn’t stop at losing Tyler.  We are officially “those” people who can’t seem to make healthy children.  I thought I appreciated Miss K before, but I do even more now.  Didn’t think it was possible.  We were told that Tyler was the fluke, but I’m starting to feel she was instead.  If she is the only living child we are blessed with, I’m totally ok with that.  Deep in my heart, I want her to grow up with a sibling, but I’m also not going to put myself through loss after loss.  That will make for a very bitter, angry mommy and she doesn’t deserve that.

Another loss hasn’t been easy on our marriage either.  We are fine, we won’t be getting divorced…anytime soon 😉   We are both too stubborn to get divorced!  But really, losing Tyler was hard on us because men and women grieve differently.  He was in a place where he was thinking about more children even when we were in the hospital after delivering Tyler.  There is NOTHING wrong with that.  I know a lot of people would think that that’s terrible or disrespectful or whatever…but really, that’s just where he was.  Every person grieves so differently and deals with hardship differently.  This has been a hard lesson to learn, but having been through something much harder (my own interpretation), this time around has been easier.  Frustrating at times, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing that has drastically changed since losing Tyler is the level of anxiety I experience.  I don’t remember EVER being an anxious person, but I find myself worrying incessantly about everything these days.  The hubs finally got tired of it (again, I was too stubborn to admit it was a problem) and nagged me to go to the doctor to see what help I could get.  I know I’m not depressed, I don’t feel “sad”, but I have trouble concentrating, don’t sleep well, finding it hard to get to sleep, feeling overwhelmed, etc.  After talking to my doctor, he has put me on a small, anti-anxiety medicine to take at night.  What he told me, and how it has been working so far, is to help shut my brain off so that I can get a restful night of sleep.  I have only taken it a few nights but it has helped tremendously.  I feel like a new person.  I am actually productive throughout the day!

So there is my update on the miscarriage, my grieving process continued (never-ending really), my marriage and my journey in being a stay-at-home mom.

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