The Other Side

My previous posts were


and now that I’m well established in the


I thought it appropriate to update.

The process of the miscarriage was nothing unusual.  Again, TMI to follow:  I started to bleed, I bled more, I started to cramp, passed clots, intense pain, passed a BIG clot, blood turned more “normal” like a regular menstrual cycle, then stopped.  As always, I blog with brutal honesty for the benefit of others.  If you’ve never experienced a miscarriage before, but one day do, you’ll know what to expect.  It isn’t scary if you know what to expect.  I had the luxury of the ultrasound the day before I started to miscarry.  Most people don’t get that.  I am very lucky and I don’t take that ultrasound for granted.  Even my doctor was surprised the way I was handling it.  I told her that I have plenty of friends that suffered traumatic miscarriages, without warning, and not only did my intuition give me some idea what was to come….but the ultrasound confirmed it.  Most of my friends kind of freaked out when they started to bleed because blood during pregnancy isn’t normal, right?  Having walked through it with them, I also realize that if you DO bleed, there isn’t a damn thing a doctor is going to do about it.  Acceptance is inevitable because there is no other choice.  Yes, this is easier said than done.  In most cases.

Now that it’s been a couple of weeks, I can say that my blase attitude has changed a bit.  My hormones are CUH-RAY-ZEE!  I don’t feel sad in my soul, but I cry at the drop of a hat.  Tears well up at the weirdest times.  It’s kind of annoying, to tell the truth.  The miscarriage has brought up the feelings of failure I had while carrying, and after delivering Tyler.  Miscarriage is much more common that Potter’s Syndrome, yet, it still pisses me off that so many people go through multiple pregnancies without a single issue and here I am, 1 for 3.  I have a loss rate of 66.6%.  I suck!  No, this isn’t a cry for attention and I’m not crying as I type this.  I’m fine, really, just saying that my success rate when it comes to having children, isn’t that great.  It sucks that it didn’t stop at losing Tyler.  We are officially “those” people who can’t seem to make healthy children.  I thought I appreciated Miss K before, but I do even more now.  Didn’t think it was possible.  We were told that Tyler was the fluke, but I’m starting to feel she was instead.  If she is the only living child we are blessed with, I’m totally ok with that.  Deep in my heart, I want her to grow up with a sibling, but I’m also not going to put myself through loss after loss.  That will make for a very bitter, angry mommy and she doesn’t deserve that.

Another loss hasn’t been easy on our marriage either.  We are fine, we won’t be getting divorced…anytime soon 😉   We are both too stubborn to get divorced!  But really, losing Tyler was hard on us because men and women grieve differently.  He was in a place where he was thinking about more children even when we were in the hospital after delivering Tyler.  There is NOTHING wrong with that.  I know a lot of people would think that that’s terrible or disrespectful or whatever…but really, that’s just where he was.  Every person grieves so differently and deals with hardship differently.  This has been a hard lesson to learn, but having been through something much harder (my own interpretation), this time around has been easier.  Frustrating at times, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing that has drastically changed since losing Tyler is the level of anxiety I experience.  I don’t remember EVER being an anxious person, but I find myself worrying incessantly about everything these days.  The hubs finally got tired of it (again, I was too stubborn to admit it was a problem) and nagged me to go to the doctor to see what help I could get.  I know I’m not depressed, I don’t feel “sad”, but I have trouble concentrating, don’t sleep well, finding it hard to get to sleep, feeling overwhelmed, etc.  After talking to my doctor, he has put me on a small, anti-anxiety medicine to take at night.  What he told me, and how it has been working so far, is to help shut my brain off so that I can get a restful night of sleep.  I have only taken it a few nights but it has helped tremendously.  I feel like a new person.  I am actually productive throughout the day!

So there is my update on the miscarriage, my grieving process continued (never-ending really), my marriage and my journey in being a stay-at-home mom.


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