Where I Am – 6.13.12

Since I started this blog to keep track of all the crazy things going on in my head, I think it’s past time to update about where I am post-infant-loss, post-miscarriage, post-prescribed-meds. The miscarriage has brought up a lot of doubt in myself that I had successfully hidden overcome in the last 3 years. Had the miscarriage been my first loss, I believe it would have had a different impact. Because I carried to term a child I knew would not live long after birth, IF born alive, this seemed pale in comparison. Loss shouldn’t be compared. I’ll be the first to preach that. But they are both MINE so I do what I want! A person shouldn’t compare others’ loss. If someone dismissed my miscarriage because losing my son was so different, I’d be pissed. Just as if someone dismissed my full term loss because a) I knew he wouldn’t be coming home from the hospital with me or b) he was “just” a baby. Losing my child was devastating, but losing a pregnancy came with it’s own set of burdens. I am much more angry than I’m comfortable with. Running has helped tremendously. When I want to beat the hell out of someone, I know my run is not far away. It keeps me even. Emotionally level. I started running at the beginning of February and have been hitting the pavement (or the treadmill belt…gag) at least 3x per week since. Some days, I can’t wait to get K fed and dressed so I can get to it. Other days, like Monday, I put it off until NOON! I like…no…I LOOOOOVE my daily shower. It’s the time that I get alone (no dogs, no husband, no baby, no phone) and I don’t miss it for anything. I reward myself with a shower after my run. I am not allowed to take that shower until after my run on Mon/Wed/Fri. There have been a few exceptions, like if I want to wait until the hubs gets home so that I can run outside alone. Otherwise, I’m a slave-driver…er…to myself. Having my Dr. put me on an anti-depressant (for anxiety) helped my level of motivation, which had previously been at about a 1. And that came from preventing the “what did you do all day” looks from the hubs when he got home from work. Not that he ever said that, but I would totally be thinking it if I were him. Our relationship just runs smoother, like it used to, when I’m on this stuff. But then I talked to my Dr. about having more kids. We want one more living child. That’s it. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore than he wants to put up with my crazy, neurotic, pregnant self. But we have the same main goal in mind and that is two living children. In 10 years, I see two kids. Do I ever think I’ll want to be pregnant again or have a newborn? Not a chance. I can honestly say that it was awful. I was stressed to the MAX and, some days, am surprised our marriage survived it. At the end of the day, each of us are too stubborn to give up. We have made it 8 years (together, married for 6.5), through the loss of a child, raising a baby alone (he had started the new job, working long hours, etc) and a miscarriage. It’s been a journey! But we’ve had some pretty amazing ups to counter the downs. We are in this together and we’ll do what it takes to get what we want. Even if it means turning our lives upside down again.

We have decided to try [again] for another baby. I stopped taking the crazy pills last week and have been taking prenatal vitamins for about 2 months. My OB wants me on NOTHING while pregnant. She says there is no “safe” medication for pregnancy, there are just some that aren’t as bad as others. Basically, the depression or anxiety has to be so bad, that being off the meds would be worse than the potential side effects to the baby. It’s not to that point with me so as long as they are a month out of my system, I’m ready to try again. So it’s looking like, at the earliest, we could be expecting by March/April.

So there it is. Out there for the world to see. We are back on the baby train. Next stop, tying my tubes! Just kidding. After 3 c-sections, the hubs can get snipped, I’m sick of recovering.

I’m totally kidding, by the way. We don’t have a plan. I won’t make him get snipped and he won’t let them take any lady parts. But you know I’ll share as soon as something happens. πŸ˜‰


8 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    persuaded2go said,

    Congrats on the roller coaster journey of life, and still being together…I’m glad to follow you on yours πŸ™‚

  2. 3

    martha84 said,

    What a brave post girlie! I’m so proud of you. Hugs and positive thoughts going your way!

  3. 5

    Meghan said,

    Love your honesty SO much!

  4. 7

    I will be here for you on your newest journey…..((((((HUGS))))) I know how tough it will be, but I know you are strong and wonderful!

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