Archive for Family

Is It March Yet?

HI!!!  I’m alive!  A little worse for the wear, but I’m alive!  And as an answer to my prayers, so is the baby in my belly!  We are 18 weeks 3 days now and I had my anatomy scan (GASP) on Monday…showing a perfectly HEALTHY little girl!!  Did I mention HEALTHY?  HEALTHY HEALTHY HEALTHY!!!  Oh and she had 3 little white lines between her legs…hehe.  I’m over the freaking moon!  (Gee, can you tell with the 500 exclamation points I’ve used already?)  I’m not going to dig deep for this one because I already did on Tyler’s site, but I just wanted to pop in and show some love to the bloggers I follow.  It seems like a couple of them have been on a small blogging hiatus, as well.  One, due to finding her peace and happy place again (why is it so hard to lose sight of that?) and the other because I think she was moving!  She always posts pictures of her food and I absolutely love looking at other peoples food…don’t judge me.  Speaking of food, I’ve been eating like a cow lately but gaining in a healthy way for pregnancy, so I won’t complain.  I think I’m up a total of 5 lbs since the beginning, which is probably good since I started below “normal” (for me).

Anyway, quick update from the last time I posted (which was back in like 1999…or 3 weeks ago…):

~  I haven’t started walking yet…lame, I know.  I’m totally in that “I have so much to do that I’m overwhelmed by it all so I’ll just sit here and do none of it” mode and I’m slowly working my way out of it.  Slowly.  Turns out, a lot of anxiety was alleviated by the anatomy scan, though.  Win/Win!
~  We are out of “miscarriage” territory…but have entered “stillborn” territory.  Lose/Lose, eh?
~  Feeling the baby move more regularly has been one of the best things for my heart (and mind).  I can’t wait for the husby to feel her kicking.
~  By the way, her name is Kimber Elise.  Kimber after my grandpa-in-law’s (hubs’ paternal grandpa) only daughter, Kimberly, who was stillborn at full term.  We know that pain of losing a baby and we don’t want her memory to fade.  Luckily, we also love the name Kimber.  It was kind of an unspoken agreement when Hubs asked about naming a girl that.  His grandpa means a lot to us and has been there for my husband through a lot.  We have a special, although sucky, bond with him now that we’ve lost a baby, too.  He was the only one in either of our families who really understood what we were going through.  Makes me tear up to think about.
~  Even though I’m determined to ENJOY this pregnancy, since it will hopefully be my last, I just can’t wait for March when she is here, safe and healthy.  I’m very excited for my KB to have a little sister.  Even though her big brother isn’t here on earth to protect her, I believe he has her back from above.
~  There’s a bucket of Halloween candy sitting in front of me and the skittles are whispering sweet nothings my way.  Bastards.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Relief

Appointment went great! We couldn’t get an exact heart rate because baby was so squirmy (that’s a good thing!) but we did get to hear it for a few seconds, which is reassuring. I was worried that my dr. wouldn’t let me do the anatomy scan (the one where we found out about Tyler’s condition) as soon as I am able to but she was awesome about it. She said that it didn’t matter to her (she isn’t the one doing the scan, it will be an ultrasound tech). So I will get the scan at 18 weeks 1 day which is only 3 weeks away! Luckily, since my dr. doesn’t even have to be there, I can get it done the day before hubby’s birthday. My brain is getting all jumbled…I’m so relieved and happy. This is so freaking stressful! I know it all comes down to control. I had so much control before getting pregnant. Before Tyler’s diagnosis. Control is such an illusion and damnit, I KNOW that but running and losing weight gave me that false sense of control all over again. I haven’t been exercising regularly and I known it’s a problem, I can feel it. I need to start walking regularly again. I need that exercise to fight off the negativity, the anxiety, doubt, anger, fear. I’ve been missing it.

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The Moment of Truth

Ok I just need to unload a little. Tomorrow is another prenatal appointment and, like usual, I’m starting to freak a little. I’m showing, I felt the baby move for the first time last week…shit’s getting real and that means that if something bad happens, it won’t be easy. Not that any baby loss is easy but miscarrying was a hell of a lot easier to move on from than losing Tyler was. I’m only 15 weeks but if I started to miscarry, oh well. Dr.’s won’t do anything to stop it until the baby is viable. Which isn’t for another 9 weeks. If there is no heartbeat tomorrow, I will eventually go into labor and give birth to a baby (it’s about the size of a lemon right now). I “passed tissue” last time. Ugh.

I hate being so nervous.

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Prevention of Human Extinction

It’s amazing what you forget about pregnancy once it’s a memory. It must be God’s way of ensuring procreation. The pure exhaustion and worthless feeling it brings. Or is that the lazing on the couch for hours? Either way…

The irritability. My feathers get ruffled about EVERYTHING. It’s annoying.

The cravings that are more like addiction. You don’t care what it takes, you NEED chocolate milk at 11pm on Tuesday night or you’re just going to die. Friday night, it was a grilled chicken sandwich from Subway (with mayo which I NEVER order) and a soft pretzel with those big chunks of course salt and cheese. Guess when that craving struck? 10:02 pm. 2 minutes after all 5 Subway restaurants in my town closed. So I went to Arby’s instead. Let me tell you, Arby’s is the devil when you want a fresh-ish sandwich! I ended up with a “market-fresh” turkey and Swiss that had so much mayo and spicy mustard that I couldn’t even eat half of it. Then I overcompensated for not getting the pretzel by ordering curly fries AND mozz sticks. It was a bad night filled with empty promises and disappointment. Lucky for me, the next day, my dear hubby brought me everything I needed. No joke, it was like the world stopped while I waited for this sandwich and pretzel. I HAD to have it. I won’t divulge how much chocolate milk powder I’ve gone through in the last week, too…

And that flat morning stomach hit the road a few days ago. I started to feel puffy with Keira around 10-12 weeks. That puffy feeling started around week 8 this time. Thank God fall/winter is coming and it will be totally acceptable (and stylish) to wear baggier clothes. I’d rather look a little frumpy than like the Michelin man.

The nausea. I was just telling a friend tonight-things don’t smell stronger per se, but generally “gross” smells make me gag. Obviously, changing a diaper never smells good (even just #1), but i have to breathe through my mouth when I do it now.

Last but certainly not least, the general lack of give-a-damn. We just moved into this house in May of last year but it has never been so filthy. I haven’t mopped in over a week. The laundry room floor has a layer of lint/dust over it. I haven’t vacuumed in days (we have two shedding dogs, it NEEDS vacuumed daily). Keira has taken to throwing things down the stairs through the banister and I just wear different shoes to keep from going down to get the thrown ones. I like to make sure the washer and dryer are empty when I go to bed…the dryer has a load of towels in it right now. And I don’t even care.

And I’m not going to proof read before posting this so I hope you had fun deciphering what I can only assume is a jumbled mess.

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But damn I’m glad to feel like shit because if my body isn’t taking care of me, it’s taking care of this baby!

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I’m really starting to hate wordpress

I had this super long post all typed out and went to add a picture and it deleted all my text. I’m so over blogging from my computer. GGGAHHHHHHHHHH!!! No joke, 40 minutes of my life…wasted.

Basically, I stopped running 3x per week, am now walking 5x per week per hubby’s request. I’m fine with it. A few weeks earlier than I’d planned, but it works.

Had my first appointment and ultrasound yesterday, baby is measuring right on track at 8w1d giving me an estimated due date of March 31. If we get 9 month, this baby will be born within days of Keira’s birthday. I’m still feeling nauseous and so happy about it.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR I’m so irritated at WordPress right now I could spit. Or smash my computer, which is what I’d really like to do.

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High Hopes

I know I’m only 6 weeks pregnant, but I’m starting to feel good about this one. I have started feeling very slight fatigue and nausea (mostly in the evenings, just like with Tyler). Last week, I contributed it to waking up early with the hubs but it continued all weekend and I actually got sick Saturday night! Ironically similar to the one time I got sick when preggo with Tyler, I had been in the heat/sun all day, ate tons of bad food, and topped it off with a funnel cake and lemon shakeup from the fair (don’t you judge me!). I have to say, after I got the taste out of my mouth, I’ve never been so happy to ralph. Since this all parallels my pregnancy with Tyler, I’m going to guess that this baby is a boy. I’m pretty convinced that the m/c was a girl. I had thought boy for awhile but I’m not so sure now.

So anyway, I’m starting to feel really good about this! It’s so early and I’m sure my feelings will change as my first ultrasounds gets closer. I’m still running 3x per week so that’s helping to feel good. And Little Miss keeps me on my toes.

So I debated posting this picture but I have to say, it’s kind of ironic that I took it the week I found out I was preggo. I was totally flexing so don’t think I walk around looking like this. It’s more a pic of what I would like to look like all the time. If I end up with a baby in 8 months, I’ll have to remind him that his mom looked good…once…a long time ago 😉

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Giving Thanks Isn’t Just For Thanksgiving

I feel like, every few months, it’s important to take a step back and really appreciate all the blessings in my life.  Smell the roses, if you will.  I kind of like my numbering/bullet method that I used for my last post so I’ll go with it.
I’m thankful:

~…to spend each and every day with one of the little loves of my life.  Sometimes it’s overwhelming and I just want to get away for some “me” time, but ultimately, it’s only so that I can appreciate her more intensely.  I’m constantly amazed by her.  ***Kid brag ahead***  She knows where her nose is, knows “what a puppy says” (omg, her little “woof” is uh-dor-able), knows who daddy is, tells Copper “NO!” when he scratches the back door, tells Foxxy “GO!” when she gets all up in my business while we are eating at the table, gives hugs and kisses when asked, “winks” her eyes (yes, both of them…at the same time…), blows kisses….I could seriously go on for days.  She just blows my mind and brings sunshine to my cloudy heart!  Ok, puke.  That was very “rainbows and puppies”…I apologize for the unicorn poop.

~…for my friends who turned into family when they walked with me through the worst time in my life.  And continued to walk with me while I struggled through finding happiness (even if it is tainted) again.  I wish I could name them all, but the list is endless.

~…that we get pregnant as easily as we do.  Getting through a pregnancy with a healthy, take-home baby isn’t so easy, but we have gotten all the chances we wanted (up to this point).  I know so.many.couples who try for years, through fertility treatments, living in 2 week cycles, appointment after appointment with specialists and still lose the baby.  We’re blessed in that we only have half the struggle.

~…that I’ve been able to make such good friends in the year that we’ve been in this town.  The first three months were really hard.  I didn’t know a single person.  I was home alone all day with a 3-6 month old.  Once I met some other moms, it was like I discovered this whole other community, including another babyloss mom who also carried to term (knowing her baby wasn’t going to survive after birth).  It was harder than I thought it would be to meet people since I wasn’t working.

~…that my family actually wants to see me.  My mom lives 4 hours north of us and are going to a wedding this weekend that happens to be about 1.5 hours west of us.  My mom was going to drive here, then drive home, so she could see us for a bit since they’d be so close.  That would be at least 2 hours out of the way, not to mention the 4 more from here.  My mom and I aren’t what I’d call “close” but at least she makes an effort and as much as she drives me crazy sometimes (I’m sure the feeling is mutual), I appreciate that she even wants to see us.  My dad comes down every chance he gets.  Even if he drives down just to hang out for a few hours and take us out to dinner then turn right around and go home.  Without going into detail, I’ve been made painfully aware lately how little some people care about their adult children and their families.  It makes me sad, it isn’t right, and it opens my eyes to how blessed I am to have parents who WANT to be in my life and I’m so thankful for them.

~…for a husband who works so hard for his family.  He doesn’t “go to the bar with the guys for a drink” after work, he doesn’t spend his entire weekends golfing, he doesn’t hit me, he isn’t verbally abusive, he tells me how good the dinner that I made was (why is that so important to us???), he tells me I “look nice” or, my favorite, “really pretty”, he gasses up my car for me on the weekends (I hate getting gas with Keira in the car, for some reason).  He may have stopped taking out the trash (for the last SIX MONTHS), he may leave his pants/socks/boots on the floor (nearly EVERY day), he may clutter the garage during the summer so I can’t fit my car in it and he also may be unsupportive of my quest to “be skinny”, but damnit, he’s a good man and I’m farther from perfect than he is.  Well, maybe we are equal distance from perfect. 😉
Wherever life takes me from here, I want to remember that, right here in this moment, I DO appreciate all the good in my life.  I will savor this moment because I’ll never get it back.  Now I’m gonna go eat a cookie.  Yeah, you’re jealous.

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