Car Photo Shoot!

Keira fell asleep and Papa Bear had to go inside his facility to pick something up…or something. I didn’t really pay attention when he said what he was doing, just came along for the ride. And after doing my makeup in the car bumpy ass Ford truck (pros and cons of a company vehicle, eh?), I decided that I was impressed with my shaky makeup skills. And had a mini photo shoot…by myself…because I’m 15 apparently. Hey, at least I didn’t bust out a duck face. But how ’bout that red pout?! Here I am, lookin’ all hard like a badass.

20120908-121048.jpgI wasn’t mad or anything, my lips just look really full. 😉 Totally modest.

20120908-121135.jpgBtw, red lips are high maintenance. And don’t look that great on me.

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The Secret of The Smokey Eye

Browsing the devil site Pinterest the other night, I came across a DIY eye shadow primer. Thank the sweet Lord because Urban Decay Primer Potion is ridiculous expensive and I’m not about to shell out the cash for that. Apparently, this stuff is comparable (she shows a side by side of hers vs. UD’s). Making it tonight (chapstick is warming between my thighs this very moment), so I’ll let you know how it goes when I use it tomorrow!

Browsing her site, I came upon her The 7 Sins of a Smokey Eye. Life changing, I tell you! Sin #7: Skipping the highlight. It was like I had an epiphany. No wonder I look 10 years older when I do a smokey eye (and hence, never do it). I did a semi-smokey today and highlighted under my eyes and down the side of my nose a bit. Amazingness. So if you’re a makeup junkie wannabe like me, browse her blog, watch her videos, learn something! Maybe I’ll even do some side by side shots of the highlighted vs unhighlighted smokey eye so you can see how horrendous it looks. Just for shits and giggles.

And for those of you makeup nay-sayers.

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My Love/Hate Relationship with Pinterest

I know I gush about casually mention Pinterest often but let me dedicate an entire post to this lovely yet evil little gem. It’s a great time-waster, idea finder, inspiration, etc. The problem is, it has become an obsession that I, apparently, wasn’t prepared to deal with. Lately, it’s been fashion. Clothes, makeup, hair, shoes, nail polish…

*Mini rant about nail polish: I absolutely cannot stand the trend of nail art and/or glitter on just the ring fingers. It looks like a 5 year old’s idea and I’m not impressed.*

So all weekend, I’ve been getting more anxious and frustrated over the fact that I hate all of my clothes. I don’t have a single pair of jeans that fit me “just right”, I have ZERO pairs of flats that I am willing to wear in public (tennis shoes and flip flops are it for me 😦 ), the few cute clothes I have stay hidden because the bra it requires is uncomfortable (that one is my own fault, ya know, the fake ta-ta’s and all…) and let’s face it, I’m a SAHM so going to the grocery store is about it for me. I have a hard time justifying spending money on looking good. But I know myself and I know that I feel better when I look better. I know what I need to do but it hurts to spend money! Totally just showed my cheap side there. Maybe I should start working again to justify buying cute clothes… Or maybe I’m having a quarter life crisis at 26 and finally realizing that I’m not in my cool 20’s anymore.

Yes, I’d love some cheese with my whine.

Hair. I FINALLY have long enough hair to do all those gorgeous things that I’ve been drooling over since becoming a hairdresser. Except, I’m a SAHM and have no reason to spend that much time on myself, just to go to a play date where I’ll be chasing Lil Miss all over a playground. I don’t want to be THAT mom. I miss feeling pretty. Maybe I need a weekly ladies night! We can do each others nails and makeup and watch movies starring hot guys (Fight Club, Step Up, Magic Mike, you get the idea…).

And this post is the winner of Most Depressing Post Ever.

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Why, yes, Wonka, apparently they did.

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Elbow Deep and Totally Worth It

A couple days ago, I summoned the help of a blog buddy who has much more experience than I in cooking whole turkeys. I’ve only done it once.

**Little back story on why I was cooking a whole turkey in August: The hubs gets these enormous hunks of meat from his company. This is our third turkey and the second pork loin (which is the size of a toddler) is hanging out in the freezer. Husby doesn’t like pork, with the exception of bacon, so I don’t know what we will do with that. Turkeys came from Thanksgiving so this one needed to be cooked…hence, Thanksgiving in August.**

After thawing in the fridge for 3 days, I remembered that I don’t REALLY know how to cook one, so enlisting the help of a veteran turkey cooker was a must. Especially after this post. Perfect timing on that one, Martha! By the way, being first trimester preggo and elbow deep in a dead turkey’s cold ass cavity was nauseating. Was really wishing hubs was home to do my dirty work. Thank sweet baby Jesus it was delicious. How did I do?

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This last one was before cutting the dark meat (again hubby doesn’t eat that either so I left it until we were done then it could go directly to the fridge). I’m not good at carving a turkey, obvi, so I was proud of what I accomplished with the hunks of breast meat I got off in one piece.

I found this egg roll recipe on Pinterest and decided to try it. Egg rolls are a traditional side to turkey, right? Right. It was disappointing 😦 I’m deep frying them next time.

I started writing this post like 2 days ago but shit just kept coming up (literally…that’s not a back story you want so don’t ask) and I couldn’t finish. I feel that after two days, I’ve lost my train of thought. Or rather, it came to a screeching halt. Either way, the turkey was worth it, the egg rolls sucked and I have a lot of shit to clean up…and hate my dogs right now.

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Prevention of Human Extinction

It’s amazing what you forget about pregnancy once it’s a memory. It must be God’s way of ensuring procreation. The pure exhaustion and worthless feeling it brings. Or is that the lazing on the couch for hours? Either way…

The irritability. My feathers get ruffled about EVERYTHING. It’s annoying.

The cravings that are more like addiction. You don’t care what it takes, you NEED chocolate milk at 11pm on Tuesday night or you’re just going to die. Friday night, it was a grilled chicken sandwich from Subway (with mayo which I NEVER order) and a soft pretzel with those big chunks of course salt and cheese. Guess when that craving struck? 10:02 pm. 2 minutes after all 5 Subway restaurants in my town closed. So I went to Arby’s instead. Let me tell you, Arby’s is the devil when you want a fresh-ish sandwich! I ended up with a “market-fresh” turkey and Swiss that had so much mayo and spicy mustard that I couldn’t even eat half of it. Then I overcompensated for not getting the pretzel by ordering curly fries AND mozz sticks. It was a bad night filled with empty promises and disappointment. Lucky for me, the next day, my dear hubby brought me everything I needed. No joke, it was like the world stopped while I waited for this sandwich and pretzel. I HAD to have it. I won’t divulge how much chocolate milk powder I’ve gone through in the last week, too…

And that flat morning stomach hit the road a few days ago. I started to feel puffy with Keira around 10-12 weeks. That puffy feeling started around week 8 this time. Thank God fall/winter is coming and it will be totally acceptable (and stylish) to wear baggier clothes. I’d rather look a little frumpy than like the Michelin man.

The nausea. I was just telling a friend tonight-things don’t smell stronger per se, but generally “gross” smells make me gag. Obviously, changing a diaper never smells good (even just #1), but i have to breathe through my mouth when I do it now.

Last but certainly not least, the general lack of give-a-damn. We just moved into this house in May of last year but it has never been so filthy. I haven’t mopped in over a week. The laundry room floor has a layer of lint/dust over it. I haven’t vacuumed in days (we have two shedding dogs, it NEEDS vacuumed daily). Keira has taken to throwing things down the stairs through the banister and I just wear different shoes to keep from going down to get the thrown ones. I like to make sure the washer and dryer are empty when I go to bed…the dryer has a load of towels in it right now. And I don’t even care.

And I’m not going to proof read before posting this so I hope you had fun deciphering what I can only assume is a jumbled mess.

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But damn I’m glad to feel like shit because if my body isn’t taking care of me, it’s taking care of this baby!

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I’m really starting to hate wordpress

I had this super long post all typed out and went to add a picture and it deleted all my text. I’m so over blogging from my computer. GGGAHHHHHHHHHH!!! No joke, 40 minutes of my life…wasted.

Basically, I stopped running 3x per week, am now walking 5x per week per hubby’s request. I’m fine with it. A few weeks earlier than I’d planned, but it works.

Had my first appointment and ultrasound yesterday, baby is measuring right on track at 8w1d giving me an estimated due date of March 31. If we get 9 month, this baby will be born within days of Keira’s birthday. I’m still feeling nauseous and so happy about it.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR I’m so irritated at WordPress right now I could spit. Or smash my computer, which is what I’d really like to do.

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High Hopes

I know I’m only 6 weeks pregnant, but I’m starting to feel good about this one. I have started feeling very slight fatigue and nausea (mostly in the evenings, just like with Tyler). Last week, I contributed it to waking up early with the hubs but it continued all weekend and I actually got sick Saturday night! Ironically similar to the one time I got sick when preggo with Tyler, I had been in the heat/sun all day, ate tons of bad food, and topped it off with a funnel cake and lemon shakeup from the fair (don’t you judge me!). I have to say, after I got the taste out of my mouth, I’ve never been so happy to ralph. Since this all parallels my pregnancy with Tyler, I’m going to guess that this baby is a boy. I’m pretty convinced that the m/c was a girl. I had thought boy for awhile but I’m not so sure now.

So anyway, I’m starting to feel really good about this! It’s so early and I’m sure my feelings will change as my first ultrasounds gets closer. I’m still running 3x per week so that’s helping to feel good. And Little Miss keeps me on my toes.

So I debated posting this picture but I have to say, it’s kind of ironic that I took it the week I found out I was preggo. I was totally flexing so don’t think I walk around looking like this. It’s more a pic of what I would like to look like all the time. If I end up with a baby in 8 months, I’ll have to remind him that his mom looked good…once…a long time ago 😉

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Giving Thanks Isn’t Just For Thanksgiving

I feel like, every few months, it’s important to take a step back and really appreciate all the blessings in my life.  Smell the roses, if you will.  I kind of like my numbering/bullet method that I used for my last post so I’ll go with it.
I’m thankful:

~…to spend each and every day with one of the little loves of my life.  Sometimes it’s overwhelming and I just want to get away for some “me” time, but ultimately, it’s only so that I can appreciate her more intensely.  I’m constantly amazed by her.  ***Kid brag ahead***  She knows where her nose is, knows “what a puppy says” (omg, her little “woof” is uh-dor-able), knows who daddy is, tells Copper “NO!” when he scratches the back door, tells Foxxy “GO!” when she gets all up in my business while we are eating at the table, gives hugs and kisses when asked, “winks” her eyes (yes, both of them…at the same time…), blows kisses….I could seriously go on for days.  She just blows my mind and brings sunshine to my cloudy heart!  Ok, puke.  That was very “rainbows and puppies”…I apologize for the unicorn poop.

~…for my friends who turned into family when they walked with me through the worst time in my life.  And continued to walk with me while I struggled through finding happiness (even if it is tainted) again.  I wish I could name them all, but the list is endless.

~…that we get pregnant as easily as we do.  Getting through a pregnancy with a healthy, take-home baby isn’t so easy, but we have gotten all the chances we wanted (up to this point).  I know so.many.couples who try for years, through fertility treatments, living in 2 week cycles, appointment after appointment with specialists and still lose the baby.  We’re blessed in that we only have half the struggle.

~…that I’ve been able to make such good friends in the year that we’ve been in this town.  The first three months were really hard.  I didn’t know a single person.  I was home alone all day with a 3-6 month old.  Once I met some other moms, it was like I discovered this whole other community, including another babyloss mom who also carried to term (knowing her baby wasn’t going to survive after birth).  It was harder than I thought it would be to meet people since I wasn’t working.

~…that my family actually wants to see me.  My mom lives 4 hours north of us and are going to a wedding this weekend that happens to be about 1.5 hours west of us.  My mom was going to drive here, then drive home, so she could see us for a bit since they’d be so close.  That would be at least 2 hours out of the way, not to mention the 4 more from here.  My mom and I aren’t what I’d call “close” but at least she makes an effort and as much as she drives me crazy sometimes (I’m sure the feeling is mutual), I appreciate that she even wants to see us.  My dad comes down every chance he gets.  Even if he drives down just to hang out for a few hours and take us out to dinner then turn right around and go home.  Without going into detail, I’ve been made painfully aware lately how little some people care about their adult children and their families.  It makes me sad, it isn’t right, and it opens my eyes to how blessed I am to have parents who WANT to be in my life and I’m so thankful for them.

~…for a husband who works so hard for his family.  He doesn’t “go to the bar with the guys for a drink” after work, he doesn’t spend his entire weekends golfing, he doesn’t hit me, he isn’t verbally abusive, he tells me how good the dinner that I made was (why is that so important to us???), he tells me I “look nice” or, my favorite, “really pretty”, he gasses up my car for me on the weekends (I hate getting gas with Keira in the car, for some reason).  He may have stopped taking out the trash (for the last SIX MONTHS), he may leave his pants/socks/boots on the floor (nearly EVERY day), he may clutter the garage during the summer so I can’t fit my car in it and he also may be unsupportive of my quest to “be skinny”, but damnit, he’s a good man and I’m farther from perfect than he is.  Well, maybe we are equal distance from perfect. 😉
Wherever life takes me from here, I want to remember that, right here in this moment, I DO appreciate all the good in my life.  I will savor this moment because I’ll never get it back.  Now I’m gonna go eat a cookie.  Yeah, you’re jealous.

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Confessions

These are my confessions…

[I was going to put a picture of Usher here, but they were all stupid pictures…sad face…]

 

1)  My last post was on June 13.  That’s 47 days ago.  There’s been so much happening since then.
2)  Thursday, June 14, Keira had an allergic reaction (at the time, we thought to peanut butter, but we’re now thinking it was wasp spray) and I had to take her to the ER.  Swollen eye, sneezing, runny nose and eventually hives.  I was a blubbering mess while I had to hold her down so they could stab her with needles.  Benadryl makes her crash.  HARD.  She has an appointment with a pediatric allergist in September.
3)  After the episode, the hubs mentioned all of us switching over to a more “whole food” kind of diet (!!!).  I have yet to see any change, though.
4)  She started walking the very next day!!!  A week shy of 15 months and my baby turned into a toddler.  The word amazing doesn’t even begin to describe that feeling.
5)  We went to Colorado to see our families for about a week at the end of June/beginning of July and Keira was an absolute terror on the plane rides.  I think flights #5 and #6 of her little 15 month old life were just out of her tolerable zone.  We’re not flying again for a LONG time.
6)  I’ve been eating like absolute crap and I’m so sick of it.  Been trying to convince the hubs to get on board and he finally told me why he resists so much.  I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person.  Do it and do it well.  He is a slow change kind of guy.  It doesn’t mesh well when the all-or-nothing tries to make the gradual-change go her way.  Point taken.  Still haven’t produced a remedy to the situation.
7)  I got up at 5am, per hubby’s request, so that we get some adult alone time (without that God-damned tv) and so I have some time to myself before putting on my mommy hat.  It’s currently 6:23 and I have to say, it’s nice to get out of bed and know that I’m just getting up so I can relax with my coffee and my thoughts instead of getting up because Baby Bear is awake.  I’ll be ready for bed by noon, I think, but I’ll give it a week.
8)  We finally got internet back at our house!!!!  Most of my posts up to this point have been from my phone which is why I avoid it and don’t post as much as I’d like to.  I’m a fast typer and it’s painful to type on a phone.  I forget what I wanted to say by the time the words catch up to my brain.  On the other hand, I sit and stare at the computer screen a lot when blogging from it.  Can’t have your cake and eat it too, I suppose.
9)  In the near future, I’ll probably be posting lots of pictures of dresses from my little Sew KuTe business because I have been BUSY lately.
10)  Still running and really look forward to it on Monday/Wednesday/Friday!

I think 10 things pretty much sum up life, as of late.  I’ll try to update more and I really want to get to a point where this blog inspires me to be a better person and dig deep to find out what I want.  Another blogger (Martha…what what!) has inspired me.  She is a business owner, fit chick and generally a bad-ass.  One of the busiest women “I know” and she is going back to school.  Some of the things that have always been of interest to me, and seemingly just out of my reach for YEARS, are bodybuilding/fitness (think Jamie Eason…man, she is amazing), finance and entrepreneurship.  Do all of these things go together?  Possibly.  Do I want them to?  I don’t know.  I do know that they have all felt so close, yet just too far, for a long time and I don’t want to be 50 years old and regret not doing things for myself during my best years.  I started this whole raising-a-family-and-being-a-mommy thing when I was 22 years old back in 2009.  I won’t say I’ve “wasted” the last 4 years, but looking back, those years were filled with a lot of heartache, tears, exhaustion and not a whole lot to show for it.  I’ve spent “the best years of my life” grieving, feeling sorry for myself and working through some major shit.  I want something for myself that I can control.  That can’t be taken from me.  If I lose everything else in my life, something that will always be with me.  Honestly, that’s education.  Hell, you could even take the diploma, but you can’t take the experience and knowledge.  I want Keira to grow up with confidence, knowing that she can be and do anything she wants to with hard work and dedication.  And to be a [mature and responsible] opportunist.

Ok, enough babbling.  I need to go make the bed and get my Baby Bear out of bed.  Have a great day everyone!

 

Oh, and PS, I got 2 lines about a week ago.  We are not telling anyone (I haven’t told my best friends or my family!) so if you know me personally, I expect you to keep it to yourself, as well.  No husband, no kids, no parents, don’t even tell your dog.  It’s different this time.  We are happy, but we don’t even talk about it.  I have another few weeks until my first ultrasound so we are kind of holding our breath until then.

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Where I Am – 6.13.12

Since I started this blog to keep track of all the crazy things going on in my head, I think it’s past time to update about where I am post-infant-loss, post-miscarriage, post-prescribed-meds. The miscarriage has brought up a lot of doubt in myself that I had successfully hidden overcome in the last 3 years. Had the miscarriage been my first loss, I believe it would have had a different impact. Because I carried to term a child I knew would not live long after birth, IF born alive, this seemed pale in comparison. Loss shouldn’t be compared. I’ll be the first to preach that. But they are both MINE so I do what I want! A person shouldn’t compare others’ loss. If someone dismissed my miscarriage because losing my son was so different, I’d be pissed. Just as if someone dismissed my full term loss because a) I knew he wouldn’t be coming home from the hospital with me or b) he was “just” a baby. Losing my child was devastating, but losing a pregnancy came with it’s own set of burdens. I am much more angry than I’m comfortable with. Running has helped tremendously. When I want to beat the hell out of someone, I know my run is not far away. It keeps me even. Emotionally level. I started running at the beginning of February and have been hitting the pavement (or the treadmill belt…gag) at least 3x per week since. Some days, I can’t wait to get K fed and dressed so I can get to it. Other days, like Monday, I put it off until NOON! I like…no…I LOOOOOVE my daily shower. It’s the time that I get alone (no dogs, no husband, no baby, no phone) and I don’t miss it for anything. I reward myself with a shower after my run. I am not allowed to take that shower until after my run on Mon/Wed/Fri. There have been a few exceptions, like if I want to wait until the hubs gets home so that I can run outside alone. Otherwise, I’m a slave-driver…er…to myself. Having my Dr. put me on an anti-depressant (for anxiety) helped my level of motivation, which had previously been at about a 1. And that came from preventing the “what did you do all day” looks from the hubs when he got home from work. Not that he ever said that, but I would totally be thinking it if I were him. Our relationship just runs smoother, like it used to, when I’m on this stuff. But then I talked to my Dr. about having more kids. We want one more living child. That’s it. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore than he wants to put up with my crazy, neurotic, pregnant self. But we have the same main goal in mind and that is two living children. In 10 years, I see two kids. Do I ever think I’ll want to be pregnant again or have a newborn? Not a chance. I can honestly say that it was awful. I was stressed to the MAX and, some days, am surprised our marriage survived it. At the end of the day, each of us are too stubborn to give up. We have made it 8 years (together, married for 6.5), through the loss of a child, raising a baby alone (he had started the new job, working long hours, etc) and a miscarriage. It’s been a journey! But we’ve had some pretty amazing ups to counter the downs. We are in this together and we’ll do what it takes to get what we want. Even if it means turning our lives upside down again.

We have decided to try [again] for another baby. I stopped taking the crazy pills last week and have been taking prenatal vitamins for about 2 months. My OB wants me on NOTHING while pregnant. She says there is no “safe” medication for pregnancy, there are just some that aren’t as bad as others. Basically, the depression or anxiety has to be so bad, that being off the meds would be worse than the potential side effects to the baby. It’s not to that point with me so as long as they are a month out of my system, I’m ready to try again. So it’s looking like, at the earliest, we could be expecting by March/April.

So there it is. Out there for the world to see. We are back on the baby train. Next stop, tying my tubes! Just kidding. After 3 c-sections, the hubs can get snipped, I’m sick of recovering.

I’m totally kidding, by the way. We don’t have a plan. I won’t make him get snipped and he won’t let them take any lady parts. But you know I’ll share as soon as something happens. 😉

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