Posts tagged rainbow pregnancy

Is It March Yet?

HI!!!  I’m alive!  A little worse for the wear, but I’m alive!  And as an answer to my prayers, so is the baby in my belly!  We are 18 weeks 3 days now and I had my anatomy scan (GASP) on Monday…showing a perfectly HEALTHY little girl!!  Did I mention HEALTHY?  HEALTHY HEALTHY HEALTHY!!!  Oh and she had 3 little white lines between her legs…hehe.  I’m over the freaking moon!  (Gee, can you tell with the 500 exclamation points I’ve used already?)  I’m not going to dig deep for this one because I already did on Tyler’s site, but I just wanted to pop in and show some love to the bloggers I follow.  It seems like a couple of them have been on a small blogging hiatus, as well.  One, due to finding her peace and happy place again (why is it so hard to lose sight of that?) and the other because I think she was moving!  She always posts pictures of her food and I absolutely love looking at other peoples food…don’t judge me.  Speaking of food, I’ve been eating like a cow lately but gaining in a healthy way for pregnancy, so I won’t complain.  I think I’m up a total of 5 lbs since the beginning, which is probably good since I started below “normal” (for me).

Anyway, quick update from the last time I posted (which was back in like 1999…or 3 weeks ago…):

~  I haven’t started walking yet…lame, I know.  I’m totally in that “I have so much to do that I’m overwhelmed by it all so I’ll just sit here and do none of it” mode and I’m slowly working my way out of it.  Slowly.  Turns out, a lot of anxiety was alleviated by the anatomy scan, though.  Win/Win!
~  We are out of “miscarriage” territory…but have entered “stillborn” territory.  Lose/Lose, eh?
~  Feeling the baby move more regularly has been one of the best things for my heart (and mind).  I can’t wait for the husby to feel her kicking.
~  By the way, her name is Kimber Elise.  Kimber after my grandpa-in-law’s (hubs’ paternal grandpa) only daughter, Kimberly, who was stillborn at full term.  We know that pain of losing a baby and we don’t want her memory to fade.  Luckily, we also love the name Kimber.  It was kind of an unspoken agreement when Hubs asked about naming a girl that.  His grandpa means a lot to us and has been there for my husband through a lot.  We have a special, although sucky, bond with him now that we’ve lost a baby, too.  He was the only one in either of our families who really understood what we were going through.  Makes me tear up to think about.
~  Even though I’m determined to ENJOY this pregnancy, since it will hopefully be my last, I just can’t wait for March when she is here, safe and healthy.  I’m very excited for my KB to have a little sister.  Even though her big brother isn’t here on earth to protect her, I believe he has her back from above.
~  There’s a bucket of Halloween candy sitting in front of me and the skittles are whispering sweet nothings my way.  Bastards.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Relief

Appointment went great! We couldn’t get an exact heart rate because baby was so squirmy (that’s a good thing!) but we did get to hear it for a few seconds, which is reassuring. I was worried that my dr. wouldn’t let me do the anatomy scan (the one where we found out about Tyler’s condition) as soon as I am able to but she was awesome about it. She said that it didn’t matter to her (she isn’t the one doing the scan, it will be an ultrasound tech). So I will get the scan at 18 weeks 1 day which is only 3 weeks away! Luckily, since my dr. doesn’t even have to be there, I can get it done the day before hubby’s birthday. My brain is getting all jumbled…I’m so relieved and happy. This is so freaking stressful! I know it all comes down to control. I had so much control before getting pregnant. Before Tyler’s diagnosis. Control is such an illusion and damnit, I KNOW that but running and losing weight gave me that false sense of control all over again. I haven’t been exercising regularly and I known it’s a problem, I can feel it. I need to start walking regularly again. I need that exercise to fight off the negativity, the anxiety, doubt, anger, fear. I’ve been missing it.

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The Moment of Truth

Ok I just need to unload a little. Tomorrow is another prenatal appointment and, like usual, I’m starting to freak a little. I’m showing, I felt the baby move for the first time last week…shit’s getting real and that means that if something bad happens, it won’t be easy. Not that any baby loss is easy but miscarrying was a hell of a lot easier to move on from than losing Tyler was. I’m only 15 weeks but if I started to miscarry, oh well. Dr.’s won’t do anything to stop it until the baby is viable. Which isn’t for another 9 weeks. If there is no heartbeat tomorrow, I will eventually go into labor and give birth to a baby (it’s about the size of a lemon right now). I “passed tissue” last time. Ugh.

I hate being so nervous.

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